if wishes were fishes, and this were a lake. . . then all of the fish would die. . .

seems to have been down lately. im feeling like shit all day at school, and all the people who would cheer me up are as well. we are all having our problems. . . be it break ups, hookups, teachers, homework, projects, tests, essays, assholes, jerks, morons, money, and all other forms of life.

sometimes i dont know if we are ever really happy, its just moments where we dont notice we are sad. im not sure if things do make me happy, i think they just null the emotions and my natural cover up bs just takes over from there. but only certain people get me to that null point now. it used to be that all of my friends made me feel better. . . that number has dwindled down to less than enough to make a difference. there are so many things i want to do, that i know i cannot do. . .ever.

 

"its like when you really want something, and you work at it for as long as you can remember. its something that you have always thought just out of your reach. then, when its finally within grasp. . . its stolen away, and you. . . like a broken dog. . . must sit and be taunted by its beauty"

i hear people say this all the time, "i wanna go home". . .well what do you say when you dont want to go home but you dont want to be anywhere else either? i dont want to dissappear cause i might make someone upset, or sad. . .and i want no living being on this planet to ever shed a tear in my name. i am unworthy of tears, love, friendship, and many other things. though i am unworthy, i still dream of someday finally being able to accept them. like giving a masterfully crafted sword to a child. . . at first its great, but they need to develope themselves before they can truly appreciate such a wonderful gift.

 

and i am undeveloped. . .