today we went to my parents friends step-parents, personally i wish they were my grandparents, but, o well.  any way we hung out had fun, but tomarrow we are going to the step-parents sisters funeral, and i feel really bad for them so i decided to be there to comfort them. thanx for listening to me ramble on like this,.

i would like to thank you for the tip i had almost completely forgot that your supposed to add to stuff as well as check everyone elses. . .

           god i feel dumb

well, its all over. afterwards we played cards and i won about sixteen dollars off of the relatives.  a fight broke out over inheritance because someone spent it all and it was supposed to be split evenly.  long story short, big shouting with some hiding and eating with some poker on the side. not much more to it.

have you ever had one of those days

now before you answer think

no, you cant say yes yet because i didnt say which kind of day, and if you did say yes. . . than continue to suck up because thats the only way to get ahead in the real world.

i know

it sucks

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<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'>
<b>Your Element Is Air</b></font></td></tr>
<tr><td bgcolor=#FFFFFF>
<center><img src="http://www.quizdiva.net/bt/air.jpg"></center>
<font color="#000000">
You dislike conflict, and you've been able to rise above the angst of the world.
And when things don't go your way, you know they'll blow over quickly.

Easygoing, you tend to find joy from the simple things in life.
You roll with the punches, and as a result, your life is light and cheerful.

You find it easy to adapt to most situations, and you're an open person.
With you, what you see is what you get... and people love that!
</font></td></tr></table>

<div align="center">
<a href="What's">http://www.blogthings.com/elementquiz.html">What's Your Element?</a>
</div>

friday was awesome. i went to moms teriyaki and had some fried rice, then went to bryans, we watched battle royal. then we just messed around on his drive way for a while.

saturday was just as good, if not better. usually i just sit and wait for it to be over but hangin out with a friend like nicci made it awesome. we watched Blazing Saddles and Monty Python: Holy Grail. then we walked around and went to my aunt and uncles. after that i brought nicci back home and fell asleep as soon as i got home.

i hope today is just as good

over the years i have done many things. i have helped some, but i feel like that does not quite outway the bad things. i'm not saying that i've just been an ass to everyone, but. i have been selfish, unthinking, a coward, and will not commit to many things. after now you think i just wouldnt care, but its worse. i am always sitting at home whining about my problems to people who actually have the right to because of whats going on. when i just worry about if the girl will ever talk to me again. i dont do anything right. i mean, when i thought of writing this out, it looked nothing like this in my head. but thats how i am. i dont think i actually have a place in this world. i find people with things in common, but sometimes i just dont feel like i belong to anything. i want nothing more than to hang with a certain group of friends every day, but i feel as though i am just interfering with what they would rather be doing. and it is not your guys/girls fault, you make me feel wanted and i am glad. but the thing is that i dont think its best for you to be stuck around me any longer. like i said i cant commit, and i would like nothing more than to wander around on my own to get my life into perspective and help me figure this out. i would like nothing more than to just sit in a corner and cry but teers do not flow. i care for someone and i dont think i will ever show it, because she doesnt care. we havent spoken to each other in around a week and we see each other every day. that would be my fault though, because i just sit there and want things to happen for me. i sometimes wonder if i am alone. and if i am maybe it should stay that way. as hard as i try, i dont think i have any best friends, just really good ones. i also wonder if people would be better of without a little follower who cant say these things to them when he needs to. i find it strange that no more than 3 weeks ago i was happy every day. while now i am sad for twenty out of the twenty-four hours a day. i feel bad and then i make it worse by dwelling on why. i want to know what the hell i was meant to do with my life. i am just a trivial waste of space. i have done nothing that could change a persons life for the better, yet i still dont even bother to fix what i broke. i want to know. why was all this done, it wasnt for me. i have been made fun of since the second grade, while the past week and a half i have not, yet it has had the saddest moments i have ever had in it. friday, saturday, and sunday were the only things i can truly say i have enjoyed in for a long time. but i did nothing all that worth while. i just hung out with 3 out of the 4 people i want to hang out with for ever, and yet i just cant understand it. i have the feeling that the world is comming down around me, yet, instead of getting destroyed, its just leaving me behind. it floats up, leaving me in the dust. there must be something i was meant to do, if not for the world, than for my friends. i know i have already written something like this, but the things is, i have to write this. i may go insane far before i actually accomplish anything on the blog. 

                                                               WHAT A WASTE

i will miss all of my friends. i am not physically going anywhere. yet my mind is completely fucked up. i am confused, and there is nothing worth figuring out in my head, if it is all the same in 2 weeks or so, i will have been lucky. i have a few things to do, but when those things are done. . . . i dont want my friends worrying about this, nothing will happen to me, i am just going to be a little different.

it will be . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  nice.

this is gonna be a bit different from my usual blog.

pocky. this is my idea of soul food. as long as i have some, i am happy and energetic. i only wish that it was the same for every one else. also, ramune. its a cool drink that tastes and feels good. if only these japanese foods were always in my fridge.

man, i cant wait for more money. i will go to safeway, and get 20 cadburry eggs. yes, 20 of them. and i will eat about half and share the rest of them with my friends. but if someone declines it i will be happy to eat theirs.

schedules, i really hate picking those. i always try to get classes with my friends, but i just cant seem to do it right. i end up having one class with one friend and that is it. just another thing for me to screw up. oh, and i wont get to take 3rd year japanese next year, when thats what i was looking forward too. fuck.

o well, i am alive, my friends are alive, they are happy (sometimes) even though i am not, but at least none of my friends are dead. . .

hello everyone, i know, its been lonely with out me. and for those of you who cant take a joke, start tryin. today i hade the mental capacity of a three year old, not that they are stupid, they just forget a lot. if you think otherwise, please, feel free to prove me wrong.

Sin City is out and i have to see it. laugh, i dont give a crap, its a true blue comic turned movie, unlike spiderman or the hulk, you get my point, and if not, you should have stopped reading. but that doesnt matter, cause this is for who cares and if you dont, than its not for you. funny how that works, huh?

yesterday was fun, but only from about 10:00 -12:01 am. thats when everyone finally got me to dance because before i had a headache and was too afraid to do it. i just sat in the corner for 30 minutes. i sad the problem was the headache, but that wasnt the whole truth.

i was really sad that day, not because of anything i did, but i was just sad. i felt really alone. i would happy couples and groups dancing all around me. but i was alone. but then amber and nicci found me and kept buggin me to dance but i was still to sad and didnt want them to feel bad for me or anything, at least they could have a good time, right? but then they played ac/dc; she shook me all night long, a personal favorite so i felt better and started dancing, next wast the electric slide, another favorite. for all those who i hung out with last night i thank you. you gave me the courage to dance, and i didnt feel alone. and because of the i got to dance with Ms. Cordell, who had a long ass line to be her dance partner. i became sad again at the slow dances, bad not a bad sad. the kind where you realize how dumb youve been and found out you could fix it.

that night will never leave my memory, nor will the feelings.

i really like messing with alt and the numbers and making weird signs.

anyway, at the moment the only way i get to listen to music is by making my own on the guitar, so in other words, i dont get to listen to music. but at least i still get to hang out with friends at school. i just wish the things that needed to be said would be said, and unimportant stuff wouldnt be such a big deal. i am not talking about anyone in general, i am talking about myself. for some reason i had a really bad feeling about today, but nothing happened. usually when i have that feeling i lose a friend, family member, or something along those lines. this aint good.

i really want a zelda jacket or something along those lines. thanks for caring enough to read through this.

here he comes, here comes speed racer,

he's a demon on wheels, he's a demon and he's gonna be a' chasin after someone,

he's gainin round ya so ya better look alive, because he's reving up the powerfull mach 5,

and when the odds are against him and theres. . . dangerous work,

you bet your life speed racer will see it threw,

go speed racer,

go speed racer,

go speed racer, GOOO!

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now He's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it to late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death Greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

for those of you who dont know, i dont believe in god but. . .

friday means many things.

1) i am going on an awesome japanese field trip

2) i wont get to see some of my friends for about 9 days

3) i get those 9 days off

4) i am going to finally be able to listen to music and play video games again cause i will no longer be grounded.

how sad is that, out of everything going on right now, that is what i am bragging about.

i just with someone could explain myself to me. usually people confuse me, now i am the one who confuses my self.

i hear a rap rap tapping at my door

Raven: Never more, Never more. . .

i feel as though i should be doing something, but i am not. i am forever confused. why cant i do anything on my own. if someone else is around i have fun, but when i am alone i just sit there and wish for the safety of unconciousness. i miss school. not class, just passing and lunch. at least i will probably go to a concert tomarrow. i need a laugh.

optimus prime is jewish.

there are so many things to do, but i will never do them. i am probably meant to be the person people having a bad day compare themselves to to make them feel better. all i am good for is conversation. i always warrow in self pitty.

i wonder if hypnoses actually works.

on a lighter note, i think my dad finally had the moment we were waiting for. the moment where alcoholics realize that they have a problem and start to fix it. he has cut his drink consumption in half, its still more than someone should drink, but still.

what the hell am i doing.

i am playing some games right now.

they are fun. they are final fantasy 1,2,tactics,7,9,10; halo, and jak1-2.

i finally got my zelda and nintendo jackets thanks to jefferson and justin.

i think i will go watch a movie. . .

i am really confused. i just blacked out from 11 am to right now, and everything is reorganized. this is wierd. i dont drink or smoke or do drugs, so it aint that.

damn.

o well, i probably just passed out from sleep deprevation.

if it wasnt so wierd i wouldnt be worried.

i ended up not going to the concert. i was looking forward to it, but jeff and justin wernt going, and they were why i was going, so you do the math. no seriously, i suck at math help me out here.

but anyway, i am going to the gym tomarrow. i dont have to, its just that it gives me something to do.

i wanna go see my friends, but most of them are busy all week. that is the problem with spring break, everyone who stayes behind is bored. but i will still have fun at the end of it. not to mention it is a new quarter, so it will be an easy week.

i wonder what it feels like to shoot a 12-gauge shotgun?

i made some bets with some people and i just made 30 bucks, and i have no idea what to buy. i am thinkin about getting a necklace or a new ring, the one i have looks like crap. but then again thirty dollars probably cant buy crap anymore.

 thanks for listening to the ramblings of a young fool.

                                -till the next time i have access to the internet.

old wierd guy: why the hell do you have a tupee and cane? you dont need those.

fat man: i do so need those things, at least i need them to fool the man from the draft board. . .

young boy: mister, your pants are on your ankles.

fat man: huh? oh, thanks. can you get that for me?

old wierd guy: fuckin pedifile, havin a boy help you pull up yer pants.

man from draft board: we've finally got ya Bushwick, yer comin with us.

Bushwick(fat man): damn, Carl the copter! till next time, dumbass!! hahahahaha!*hits head on cieling*  ow, damn, that hurt.

people care

sadness

you feel like crap

people push and pull you down

you wanna die or dissappear

but the sadness passes

________

happiness

life cant get better

your with good friends

you have lots of fun

but the happiness soon passes

______________________

some are happy more than sad, and vica versa, while some are always happy and some sad. some want to help, and others be bad.

now call it in the air, heads or tails?

yes, i was quoting gremilins, but thats not the point. i have to sit in utter darkness for the next hour because of that damn liquid. it hurts just typing this in. but, then again, its not like its gonna stop me. i dont learn very fast, and when i do learn, i try to fight what i learned and do it my way still. maybe thats why my grades arent so high? o well, i guess its time to bash my head into the wall to stop the pain in my eyes.

 -and good times were had by all.

damn thursday will take fore ever to end, but then again, it may not.

i love every one and everything, you know why? no, seriously. do you know? cause i have no freaking clue why i am so happy. but i am sad at the same time.

o well, i think i am gonna eat some pocky. . .

god damn.

my relatives are boring. i must have listened to them complain about my grandma for about 2 hours. i dont like her either, but shes still our elder. there is something wrong with my family. also, i got yeld at because aparantly i am too stupid to do anything right the first time, kinda like sony *laughs to self*

wow, wtf.

i wonder why all people think about is money half the time

like in this senario

Friend 1: hey you wann go see a movie and hang out?

Friend 2: not really, the movie is too expensive.

Friend 3: yeah, we dont have the cash, we'll see ya later.

end senario

now here is something to think about, because they didnt just hang out and ditch the movie, friend 2 is killed in a burglary attempt and all the guy would have taken would have been, you guessed it, money.

any one catch the link in that? i sure hope so. this wasnt a persnal experienc, but you can still see where i am coming from.

ever wanna just sit sit there and watch every thing just go by?

if it gets real sunny and dry i think i am just gonna go sit on a yard or hill and watch the clouds. its really fun. and i think it is the only reason i like sunny days. but it is much more fun with a friend so you can talk about what the clouds look like for conversation. i am thinkin about spending an entire day out there some time, but i wanna do it with a friend. so that way i will remember that i have to leave.

man, i am bored

i cant take it any more

day in and day out

sure, i have good moments a few times during the day,

but then i have hours of crap, if i take any more i think i am gonna freak the hell out.

i am called about 6 times a day by friends and 3 of those calls are of people harassing me

i have everything in my power to stop it and nothing is happening, other than me slipping faster and faster out of sanity. everything i do i get made of of. i cant take it. if i wanna stand up for myself i am insulted and then am made fun of again because of anything i do. i am always told "do this, they will stop after that", and then what happens, i get another horrible day. i just wanna know if i am alone in this or not. cause i cant get away, cause the people who mess with me are my neighbors. i only get a break when i am gone. they are so bad they beak into my house when i am home alone. then when i let them in so they dont vandalize my house, they steal video games, movies, and money from. i swear to god i am gonna fuckin kill em the next time it happes. since its break, they have a lot of chances to do it, cause no parents are home.

and then there is summer. in summer i get it every 2 days. my only salvation is family trips. either they stop or i am gonna go nuts. i mean, this should not happen to anyone. no one believes me either, and thats the worst. thank god i can at least vent about it tho.

-one very pissed of human being

here are some things that have crossed my mind,

1.maybe they arent fat, they are just not in the right height class

2.being scared just means your brave enough to scream

3.being unhappy means you know what its like to be happy

4.laughing means that something was so bad that it was funny

5.that when you list something like this, people listen (read, whatever)

Me: hello, my name is darren, and i am a waterholic

everyone: hi darren

me: i have gone an entire day without thinkin about

counselor: good, it seems our sessions have been going well

me: *finishes cup of water* sorry, what was that last part?

counselor: i think there is still some work to be done

just post what song has been stuck in your head the most

mine is the speed racer theme song

i sing in the shower

i make up my own songs tho

i swear i must have made up around 5,000 songs in a month

they all have the same beat tho, does anyone else do this?

jus curious

-one wierd person

why do some people keep going. there is nothing for them, all there is in front of them is pain, and they are confused. they feel they cause more harm than good, and kill of what few things that go right.

i used to be a person like that. i still dont get it. i had no reason for school, waking up, or even to continue breathing. but i still bothered to go on. but because i decided to go on, i met some cool people. i also met some bad, but they can go fuck themselves for now. anyway, i recently figured out that even though i did nothing that would help me personally, i did alot of things to help others. that is why i think i kept going. i didnt know i did it, but inside, i think i knew, just a little bit.

some people dont understand that yet, but they will soon understand. it took me 14 years to realize i was a benefit to anyone. it is just that, i dont know.

well, it just felt like something i should write down before i forget.

saturday

-i was happy because nicci and amanda suprised me at home, which is wierd because no one suprisingly comes over to my house. so we hung out a while, and then i dropped them back at home. nicci got locked out, so we just kidnapped her for a while. we ate at jasmines where i didnt eat much which scared my parents, o well.

sunday

-so far, i think i am going to wake up late, maybe go to good will, and then beat a final fantasy. i guess that is all there is to a weekend, at least one that is fun to have

thanks everyone, unless you are making fun of me. if you are, then feel free to continue, i know you want to.

my parents kept bugging me cause i have been "acting wierd" recently. they think i should see a doctor cause it could be chemical. thats not it, they dont understand.

very few things make me happy. VERY few things. and all of them have to do with hanging out with four people. other than that i am unhappy. even when i hang out with them, i am sometimes unhappy. this is such bullcrap. they keep saying that i dont deserve to be unhappy, well i have a question, why is it that i should be happy? i havent been hungry for about 4 days and all i have eaten was one plate of mongolian grill and a plate of mashed potatoes. there may be something wrong with me. and there also may be no cure for it. but i dont care.

i will deal with it myself, without any involvement cause when i involve anyone in anything i make them unhappy with me. its not right. i think it would be nice to dissapear right now. i dont wanna die, i just dont think living has any advantages over dying at the moment.

my parents say "your depressed, but its okay cause we can get help". well guess what. i dont want help. i want something else, something i will never get. . .

some say denial is bad, others tend to disagree. i still dont know which is right, and i probably never will. but i do know that it is one of the few things that keep me from going nuts. i dont think i am doing anything to benefit myself or others. someone may say otherwise, it dont matter. i may be depressed. i may not be. it doesnt matter to me any more. all those things make me. . . me. and the reason i dont want help is because then i will be different, and i dont know how to be different. i may finally notice all of the good things going on around me, but i may also notice that everything is worse than what i saw before. i guess, i am actually happy being unhappy. even if that doesnt make sense to you, it doesnt matter, cause unless its the same to you, you will never understand. i realized today that no matter how depressed i am i can always just go into my own little world where its so bad it seems good. so dark that it is a beacon of light.

i had a daydream in biology cause we where watchin a movie and dally wasnt there, and in it everyone i could remember came by and took turns shooting me while i was unable to move because one person broke my legs and arms. i know who that person is, but you dont need to. it may make things worse. but after all of it was over i felt wierd.

i also fell asleep in fourth period cause we were again, watchin a movie. and in this one, my friends came by with a knife and stabbed me in the heart twice. . . and then ripped out my heart and divided the four peices amongst themselves. these are the first dreams i have had in a long time. i am confused, but i think it is better that i dont understand what is happening. i dont wanna think any more.

thinking only seems to make my day harder. i havent thought all day and today was awesome. it may not have been because of the thinking, but that was all that was different. so i guess, i dunno. . .

i think thinking only hurts, and the only way to not think is to not think about it.

here he comes, here comes speed racer, he's a demon on wheels. . .

why does this keep mentioning spicy pork?

i dont like spicy pork, i dont like spicy anything.

back to the story, i found the secret to true happiness. . .

but to get it, you must find true sadness. . .

i just know how to get it, i dont have it.

so what did i type this for? i dont know. i honestly dont know.

it makes as much sense as pokemon being the most popular thing since breathing.

what happens when you take ronald mcdonald, a mime, and an elephant, and take them to the zoo?

hot damn, that is a sweet earth you say. . .

WRONG!

if you think about it, this place aint very good. there are few parks, feilds, and other places like that. before, thats all there was. but now you can barely see the stars at night. zis is rediquemon. ci acupe de fromage, whoops, i dont speek french. . . but i do speek very unfluent japanese!

anyway back to what i was talkin aboot                                                        several hours later ____________________________________________________________________________________

yeAh well, screw taht i lost my place. i know, i will reintroduce myself! i can tell you all about me                        several hours later. . . ____________________________________________________________________________________

ok, well. . . i like people, nice people, funny people, strange people, wierd people, and all types of people, except for the ones that just cant seem to be nice to me for once, screw them. but if you fall into one of those catagories, congrats! your awesome! untill you prove me otherwise that is. but anyway, i am begginning to think that i would rather have tons of friends than a girl friend, even tho i have never had a girl friend, i really like all of my friends. they make me feel comfortable and wanted. something i havent felt in a while. . .

so. . . yeah. . . thanks

i havent dreamed for a while, but i have had 4 dreams in the past 2 days.

this mornings was horrible(the dream, not school). i was hangnin out in the forest with someone, i dont remember the face. nor do i know if i had ever met the person. but, i felt this really nice fealing in my heart, stomach, and head. this person may have been the person i have been searching for. this isnt the bad part. i was having a great time, and so was she. . . but then it got bad. we started walking again and we left the forest. we walked down to the corner store and got some water cause we were thirsty. but we were half way down the block and a car comes speeding out of no where and almost hits us. we didnt get hit only because we jumped to the side. she jumped to far tho, and fell of the side of the hill which was pretty high up there and i remember reaching down for her but people kept pulling me back. i woke up around 3 o'clock this morning and i had tears in my eyes. which is also strange cause i havent been able to cry for a long time.

remember, this was a dream. A DREAM. this never happened. but i think it may be saying something to me.

i will find my true love, but a reckless person will take her away from me and everyone else will make me unable to get her back. i may be looking too much into this, but my dreams usually are signs or something to that affect of things to come.

damn it all. . .

hey, i hate this day. every one is like "holy crap, its like, 4/20!" or "lets do something at 4:20 today likr, uhhh. . . get really high!" it just another day, its not that funny. i mean come one people, you can do better than that. i heard high references in every class and i am sick of it. this is a horrible day. not to mention all the gets who got stoned or high before school because its "duhh, 4/20!" i mean i am glad they got up at 4:20 in the morning but what the hell. i mean so many people screwed up on the wasl because of it.

this is a dumb day.

Me: wow, shes really gone. well i am the new counselor!

Old man: wo says!

Me: i just did.

Old man: ok just checking.

Me: alright, now how is every one doing?

Everyone: good, how are you?

Me: fine, just fine. so, does any one have any stories?

Young women: i wen right by the watercooler where everyone was drinking and i didnt even get thirsty!

Me: wow, nice job! lets congratulate her everyone!

Everyone: congrats lady!

Me: any one else?

Old man: umm, there are only five of us here, including you. . .

Me: oh yeah, wait. we have another member. . . but she seems to be late. o wait here it is. *reads note* "sorry i could be there right now, i am sick today. i have the um, the um, um, um, measels, thats it measels! so i wont be in for a while. signed, My Mom" *looks up* well, does anyone see the problem with this?

Young man: um, it was signed "My Mom"?

Me: very good, at least i know its not just me.

Young women: wait a minute that explains Jesus (pronounced hey-zues, just a coinqidinc, which rhymes with shrinky dink!), but where is the new girl?

Me: oh, i completely forgot! well, i hope we hear something about her excuse. i am suprised i didnt see Hugga Bear come in. . . o well, things happen.

i had another dream where i was stabbed to death. but the girl was in it again. i could see her a little better this time. i think if i have the dream a few more times i may find out who it is. but i dont like the dream. so i have to gain physical and mental pain, just to see this girl.

this is makin me laugh, but not a funny laugh. a sad, sad, laugh. i hope this will make sense soon.

i wanna know how the wasl is supposed to tell how "smart" you are. i get very mediocre grades on tests, but these tests are the easiest ever. i have been finishing an hour early at least. the questions are really dumb, and take no thinking what so ever. even my dumbest friends are having no trouble with this. its easier for us than it is for the people who are not taking the wasl or ited.

but anyway. if they feel happy wasting our tax money on this, so be it. i have no say in it for at least 3 more years. and after that, it still wont matter cause they will just waste it on somethin else.

"Elf #1: lets go run through the enchanted forest!

Elf #2: you first! i am self concious. . ."

today wa pretty good. i hung out with bryan and ahslei after around six. we just played guitar, listend to music, and looked through old year books. it was pretty cool. i also learned a few things about other people and a few other things.

pretty much all the day needed was more time to hang out. we started it too late.

no, but seriously. i got sick to my stomach and threw up a few times, so i got to go home. it woulda been boring, but GoldenEye is on, so i will be ok.

i wont get to see my friends for a while, but i get my car today. so all is forgiven. i think i am getting a focus, or a taurus. i am still not sure. i think it may take a while to chose. but, that is life. all decisions and thoughts of the path left alone. you will always wonder how your life would be if you did something differently, but thinking back only makes it worse.

tanks for listening

i have no idea what i am gonna write about, but i am bored, and this is an easy thing to do. i told you how my WA meetings are going, i told you about getting out of class, i told you why i am sad. i think its time i start telling you what makes me happy.

first off, the bill about gay marriages didnt pass, so that means that guys can marry guys and girls can marry girls.

also, i am doing good with the wasl. i finish early and dont even have to try.

we get our year books in a few months, and i will get tons more sigs than i normally get cause of my new kickass friends.

i have an assload of reeses, cadburry eggs, and pocky. along with pop and water to drink it with.

i have good friends that are cool to hang out with. and i am making more every week. the people who are making fun of me are slowing down and are getting nicer. they will never be nice, but they are getting closer.

i am getting a car soon. i have beaten final fantasy VII, a few times.

i am just in a good mood.

i got a bumpin headache right now. i got homework to do, and i got to hang out with my aunt and uncle and i dont want to. i think i am sick, but i am not sure yet. i was on friday. . .

i am the only one i can blame for any of this tho. except for the aunt and uncle thing, i coulda done something to fix all those things a few days ago. o well, crap happens. . .

i am gonna go get an ice pack, so i will see you cool people laters.

so. whats up?

all thats left with the wasl is the science. hell yes.

science is easy for me, so i am gonna breaze through this like hurricane george through florida.

but anyway, down to more stuff most of you dont care about. i honestly dont know what the hell is going on right now. no one is telling me whats happening. it seems like everyone is abandoning me and trying to make sure i never see them again. i ask whats happening, and all i get is silence or a "oh, you know", well, if i knew, i wouldnt ask. would i. my friends are hidding from me. they may not know they are doing it, but i am used to it. i dont want to be around myself sometimes. sure once i find them, they act nice, but they dont want me around. i can take the goddam hint people. if you dont want me around tell me. i dont think it matters anymore, tho. i guess i can just fade away like i used to. just sit in the corner and let all this shit flow by and mean nothin to me because none of it affects me. maybe i am wrong, but maybe i am dead right.

but who cares, honestly?

i dont know if it was not being able to talk(after i remembered because i forgot and started over again in 1st period, damnit), or it was just a good day. i went to the GSA party(there, i fixed it), but i was expecting oh i donno, a meeting? i am not complaining tho, i met like 8 new friends, and was formally introduced to a few old ones i never really "met". but all in all i cant complain. i also learned how to play 3 songs before lunch. that was pretty cool too.

o well, so far nothings gone bad. lets hope it stays that way. . .

i am in the need for some new clothes and some fuzzy dice. you know, to go with the new car n' stuff. i have some extra cash so, i am gonna go down to the super mall around 3:45 or something. whenever the cars get back. i dont know what i want, i just want to buy something. i havent bought anything other than food forever, the closest thing to buying something for the past two months was helping a friend buy a photo album. oh, and maybe a gift for someone, but those dont count.

hey, half baked is on. hell yeah. i dont like weed, but the movie is still really funny. i could use a laugh right now, i was too serious all day long.

i didnt even know they made these. . .

robotech in a mini dvd form, its got one episode on it. i was freakin out when i say this thing. and if your laughing i dont care, everyone has a weak spot, mines just a little wierd. . .

but i also gots me a new ac/dc dvd, its got tons of songs on it, i mean TONS.

i didnt end up getting clothes, i didnt have the cash. . . is it just me, or are clothes too expensive now adays? o well, i guess i will just save up for a while.

so wasls over, so no more sleeping in class. damn it. no more 13(an awesome card game) as well. but i get to have all my classes in one day, thats good, right? o wait, no, its not. i think that doesnt mean anything all that bad tho. i wonder how the rest of the month will turn out. o yeah, and animation domination is this sunday. this may sound dumb, but i love watchin family guy, and maybe american dad (theres only been one episode, what?). sleeping sounds fun, i think i will do that now. . .

alright, i am going to explain something first.

i am a nintendo freak. not a "wow, you got a nintendo person" i am a "holy shit! you got the original nintendo, lets roll!". i own tons of the stuff. i have a zelda jacket, and a nintendo jacket. i also got like 3 t-shirts and a megaman wrist band. i was just informed bout a kirby jacket sooo. . . i am going to get it. i need new clothes cause the ones i got dont fit any more. after i get it i will be happy. it is pink, like kirby.

also, its weekend time. and that means its time to hang out n' stuff. . . i just hope everyone can. the only problem is i have karate first thing tomarow mornin, i like it. but i dont like it at that early in the morning.

WARNING: I AM GOING TO SOUND LIKE A DORK

i have no plans for today. . .

so i guess i will just watch star wars or something, i havent seen it in a while. man, vader kicks ass. i just really love star wars, i just wish that the book and movie story lines could stay better intwinned and all that stuff. the third one comes out soon, and i think i will see it with a few friends. . . as long as they wouldnt mind seeing it with me. i hope they dont, cause you dont watch star wars alone, you just dont. . .

well, i guess i will stop here for now, if you wanna know more. . . you really need a hobby

but i am just kidding, thanks for reading this stuff. . .

i really hurt today. when i woke up i couldnt twist my body to the left, couldnt look left, my left arm is numb and i still cant feel it, my tongue is numb, and i feel like i am gonna throw up.

but i cant complain. because no matter how bad i have it, one of my friends is in worse shit. i know this as a fact, for i am finally realizing what they have all gone through. i am not saying what has happened to me over the years is weak and i shouldnt whine about it, what i am saying is, that some people deserve to cry about it and cant because they dont have the time to let down there gaurd or have too many things happening to them as is.

i feel like my role is to enable people to laugh, because that is the only niche that always has room for more in a group. if i can get at least one of my friends to laugh, i did what i am supposed to. . .

and if anyone feels like saying i am worthless, i think you should bring that up with a few of my friends

someone will laugh, but i dont care.

at the moment i am listening to zelda music. it is really good, and it is almost like the soundtrack for my life. at least, i wish it was.

i only wish i could play these songs on my guitar.

god dam, the more that i think about it. . . the more alone i realize i am. i have tried my hardest to be nice to everyone, and only a small few repay that kindness. i am forever in their debt, but i just dont like the fact that i can only see them so little. i see one of them maybe once every couple of days, one for maybe 20 min total a day, another i only get to see for maybe one min a day, but i do get to see one of them every day for about 2 1/2 hours total.

these songs are sometimes the only things that can make me happy. . .

i shall die alone

this is gonna sound wierd, someone sayin what i am about to say, but o well

tomarrow i am going to ocean shores, and i dont like it. so far, i will be by myself. i asked two of my friends, and both had prior obligations. i am not mad at them, i know how it is. . . its just i am gonna be bored outa my skull! my last hope is jeff, and i dont even have his phone number, so i have to wait for that.

the only thing that can save tomarow, is a friend. . .

so, did anybody miss me? just kiddin, i am never really gone. . .

so, yeah. ocean shores was pretty good. we wjust hung out in an arcade, played mini-golf, and wandered around the beach. we talked about the stuff that bugs us, the things we like, and the really funny, but embarrasing to talk about to anyone else, crap while drinkin pibb. we played the ticket games. i got like 5,000 in like five minutes cause i kick ass at skeeball. so i got a mood ring and a harmonica. . . thats right, a harmonica.

then on mothers day i watched a bunch of movies and then when my mom got home i gave her her card and gift, she liked it.

then, on monday. first off, holy shit.

the day was fine, but after school was bad. the school was putting on a movie on a big screen. it was nightmare before christmas. that mad me real happy. it was on at four, so i had to wander for a while with my friends. we got back at 3:59. so we waited. and we waited. and we fuckin waited. it was about 4:40 when they decided to announce that it was cancelled. they could have done it that morning when i would have still had a ride home, but no, that would be too conveniant. . .

so i called my ride to let them know we were gonna go grab something to eat at mom's teryaki and to come get us at 6. he was pissed as hell at me cause he thought it was my fault i didnt tell him soon enough. he was shit faced, i could smell the alchohol through the phone. after we ate we decided to walk home. it was a hard walk but it was worth it. i pretty much passed out once i got home. . . i was so exhausted. but once i woke up i got yeld at by my ride(my dad, whom i told i was gonna walk home instead). but he yeld at me till he passed out. great freakin ending, huh?

my stomach has put up a fight that would know bruce lee on his ass, and him bein my hero and all is really sayin somethin. i mean, i cant keep anything in it. . . and it always wants me to eat. confused yet?

then, i pass out before first period and dont wake up till around 7:20, i get there around 7 am. then it hurts so bad at lunch i am practically sprawled out on the ground in pain. now to move past the stomach area. . .

my arms are bruised all over from karate, i fought this guy for like an hour strait with out pads and crap, and i could barely play guitar today. . .

but other than that. . . today was fan-fuckin-tastic.

oh yeah, i almost forgot, i lost a really good minidisc for my music. . .

myth: friday the 13th is the most badluck day ever, and nothing good comes of it

truth: its the greatest day ever.

nothing bad ever happens to me, i am always feeling good, lunch is good. i had plain rice, mmm.

also, no one made fun of me, i did all my work, and i made a new friend. so i say screw the myth, this day is awesome.

today just plain sucked. no other way to say it. nothin except for the walk in the rain went right.

but dont worry there will be a tomarow. . . which will suck just as much as today!!

it feels so damn good to be alive!! s.o.b.

i am so happy i could lose my dog and get a vasectimy and still be a little happy

i have been freakin and tweakin for the last 36 hours. i talked about how i like two girls. well over the last couple of months i have been weighin the pros and cons and the stupid shit like that. and about this time yesterday i decided. i havent slept since.

now, for the part where i asked her out.

we were doin poems in class and i made when to her, but didnt tell her it was for her. i said i wanted to talk to her about who it was for after class. and after about 3-5 min of stuterin, i said it was for her. and then i asked if she wanted to go out with me. . . and she was really happy and said yes, and asked for the poem. she was actually gonna ask a friend for my number so she could ask me out. . .

i have a girlfriend now. i have now proven most of my neighborhood dead wrong.

you could kick me in the balls, and i would still be happy.

today was the biology field trip. it was so much fun. not the field trip, it was kinda boring (other than getting to see the cool grey wolves). the cool part was that amanda was there. she makes me so happy, and i have been told i have the same affect on her. she brought those great tasting subs, which i will be eating again, and we ate lunch with a bunch of her friends. after that was the nice bus ride back where was sat with each other and talked for a while. and i have one question, can anyone show me what "fairy green" looks like? i have to know.

but yeah, after that i bought her a smoothie and a pop for me, at moms teriyaki and we walked back to school and handed in her sociology essay. we then waited for her bus, which came way to soon for me. we said goodbye, gave eachother a hug and kiss. the kiss was akward, cause i wasnt expecting it (her lips were cold fromt he smoothie, lol). and here i am, happy me. . . and yet i am sad. . .

for i am not with her now. . .

i wish all days were like today 

i cant take this anymore. . . i get on the internet, and i see something from damien, or i see something that makes me sad. its not worth it. the only time im happy is when amanda says im not allowed to be sad. but that means nothing if i cant control my feelings. . .

wait, i dont mean nothing, i just mean that it doesnt help me when i am sad.

long story short im telling the internet (with the exception of email) to fuck off untill sunday.

till then

im back from the break, and i think its time to catch up.

so, anyone have any interesting stories? lol

holy crap, i get the internet back and im like "holy crap, i finally get to do somethin this late!" and theres nothin to do. . .

wow. so much for "you can do anything on the internet!".

o well, crap happens

at the baseball game, there was this guy named paul. im pretty sure you've heard of him.

he is the guy that they based the movie hotel rwanda after. . . and i got to meet him and shake his hand! it was freakin awesome! he spent his 41st birthday at the game. . . which sucked. it was 14 innings. . . 14! 4 hours and 30 minutes. . . it was ridiculous! and then there weres some other things i saw which i didnt like, but still. . . i got to meet paul!

And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, Come and see.

And I saw, and behold a white horse: and he that sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him: and he went forth conquering, and to conquer.

And when he had opened the second seal, I heard the second beast say, Come and see.

And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword.

And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand.

And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine.

And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see.

And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth.

i found a little girl crying at auburn good ol' days. . .

i leaned down to her and asked if she was alright, and then she told me this story of what happened. . .

then i sat with her untill she stopped crying, and she said "thank you daddy".

at first i thought i was just hearing things, but my friends assured me thats what she said. . .

and it was only an hour later that i realized that i. . .

i want to thank a few people. . .

nicci

connor

bryan

brittany (sorry if i spelt it wrong)

erica (again, i dont know if you spell it with a k or a c)

vicki

and especially elisabeth.

you have all made amanda smile at least once, and i want to thank all of you for that.

i do not exist for the next 36 hours. i will not talk to anyone, pick up a phone, go on a computer, none of it.

so i am basically non existant untill 10 tomarow night 

i dont have time to respond, just to make a huge explanation. im sorry to everyone, but i figured it was better you be mad instead of worried. my computer has no internet and my dad wont let me use the phone. and amanda, i was thinking of you when i did that. and i have been worrying about it ever since. but the fact is, i just didnt want you to think something bad happened to me. i am not expecting forgiveness, just aknowledement saying you understand. feel free to yell, hate, and hurt me as much as you want. i deserve all of it. but now i have to go before i get in more trouble.

TO REPEAT, THIS HAS NO MEANING, I JUST LIKE THE BAND. THERE IS NO POINT TO THIS OTHER THAN THAT. . . AND IM A MORON, BUT THATS BESIDE THE POINT.

DAMNIT, ITS STUCK ON CAPS LOCK AGAIN!

The Lies That I Believe lyricsAround it comes and round it goes
Around it swims around my head
All of us are lonley souls
And all of get left for dead
How come I always try to cross
Even though I know the bridge is burning?
How come I take it
When I know that you fake it?
I tell myself I'm learning

The lies that I believe are simple
The lies that I believe are true
The lies that I believe are beautiful
The lies that I believe are true

All the flings and all the flaws
Let me cling to someone's clause
All of us are lonely souls
And all of us mend broken laws
How come I always try to cross
Even though I know the bridge is burning?
How come I take it
When I know that you fake it?
I tell myself I'm learning

The lies that I believe are simple
The lies that I believe are true
The lies that I believe are beautiful
The lies that I believe are true

Everyone uses, everyone abuses
Nobody takes the blame
Everyone uses, everyone abuses
Ain't it such a shame

The lies that I believe are simple
The lies that I believe are true
The lies that I believe are beautiful
The lies that I believe are true

i think my emotions are broken. . . i havent had an emotion in 12 hours. . . i should have at least felt something by now. . .

i think i have overloaded myself. i hope this is just temporary. . .

laugh, laugh, laugh, and lie.

lie, lie, lie, and die.

die, die, die, and live.

live, live, live, and breath.

breath deep so you can live well.

live well so you can die in peace.

die in peace so you may lie to your hearts content.

lie to your hearts content so you may laugh at all of those who deserve it.

give up, its so much easier.

past couple of days have been good. i have spent them around friends. apparently i needed that. hanging out has made me feel human again. my emotions are beginning to return one by one. and i realized how many of them there truly are. . .

but yeah, i was the first to do these things at mountainview

. . . first to slide down the main banister. hell yeah, it rocked.

. . . first to play quarters and first to bleed(this is all counted towards our group, not just me)

. . . first to spit out a window

. . . first to spin on my ass three times without stopping

so yeah, i did what i wanted too, lol. but speeking of school, i should post my schedule.

1- latin. . . dally

2- trig. . . dpreston

3- us history. . . wrumbaugh

4a- jewelry. . . meinhart (badass name)

4b- visual communications. . . davidson (holy crap, he has returned! he was a horrible shop teacher. . .)

5- chemistry. . . steffin

6- ap language. . . hammer (you know im gonna have to say it on the first day. . . its a given :))

but for the record, this isnt permanent. i may still take college classes. i just need to start taking a few more options with crap. i should be able to get at least one college class in though.

It starts with one thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don't know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try, keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme, to explain in due time
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so (far)
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me (in the end)
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I

Chorus

I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this 
There's only one thing you should know

There's only one thing you should know

the more i learn the more and more i hate myself. all because i have one fucking chromosome. that one thing ruins everything. because of that i am similar to hitler, stalin, bush. . . all of them. i am similar to all of those bastards who do what is considered a mortal sin and get away with it. i dont mean the small ones, the really bad ones. i am the same as a killer. i am the same as so many undescribable bastards out there. . . why was i born a male!? life would be so much easier if i were a girl. sure, there are things that make neither of them fun. but i truly hate being me.

Is this the real life-
Is this just fantasy-
Caught in a landslide-
No escape from reality-
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see-
I’m just a poor boy,i need no sympathy-
Because I’m easy come,easy go,
A little high,little low,
Anyway the wind blows,doesn’t really matter to me,
To me

Mama,just killed a man,
Put a gun against his head,
Pulled my trigger,now he’s dead,
Mama,life had just begun,
But now I’ve gone and thrown it all away-
Mama ooo,
Didn’t mean to make you cry-
If I’m not back again this time tomorrow-
Carry on,carry on,as if nothing really matters-

Too late,my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine-
Body’s aching all the time,
Goodbye everybody-I’ve got to go-
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth-
Mama ooo- (any way the wind blows)
I don’t want to die,
I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all-

alright, i have been thinking about my last post.

i will admit i was just in a bad mood and just hated being me. but i have talked it over with alot of important friends and others as well. just being a guy doesnt make me like other guys. i am me, and no one else. the ONLY thing i have in common with them is my y chromosome. i would never dream of doing those horrible things to anyone. . .even if i probably should to some of those deserving few. . .

i have been doing much better. . .  i had many a revalations today. talking with the one you love can be a real i opener. i am done hurting myself, i am done being self destructive, i am done blaming myself (unless it really, truly is my fault, and its obvious), i am done causing my own pain.

life is cruel, but those who you share it with can make the pain worth it.

i love you amanda, you have given me the one thing i thought i may never. . .

spend a lifetime trying to understand.
why you reason with a gun in your hand.
you want it? you got it. you feel it?
gun in hand.
what was so bad?
what had he done to make you return, this time with a gun?
intimidation growing bigger.
what the hell made you pull the trigger?
thought this all through, thought it might be fun.
shot in the head to show everyone.
held in his friends arms.
blood on his face.
hole in his head.
gripped by deaths embrace.
in his embrace.

i feel really, really uncomfortable right now. . . something is off. i'd really like to know what it is, cause i havent felt like this in a long time, and it wasnt good last time. . . so yeah. too many thoughts going through a brain that can barely handle one at a time. . .

(for the record, the song is aimed at me)

Dead as dead can be
The doctor tells me
But I just can't believe him
Ever the optimistic one
I'm sure of your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up and face me
Don't play dead 'cause maybe
Someday I’ll walk away and say
You disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Leaning over you here
Cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection
Of what you could and might have been
It's your right and your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up
(Why can’t you?)
And face me
(Come on now)
Don't play dead
(Don’t play dead)
'Cause maybe
(Because maybe)
Someday
(Someday)
I’ll walk away and say
You disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Maybe you're better off this way (x3)
You're better off this (x2)
Maybe you're better off...

Wake up
(Why can't you?)
And face me
(Come on now)
Don't play dead
(Don’t play dead)
'Cause maybe
(Because maybe)
Someday
(Someday)
I’ll walk away and say
You fucking disappoint me
Maybe your better off this WAY!

Go ahead and play dead
(GO!)
I know that you can hear this
(GO!)
Go ahead and play dead
(GO!)

Why can't you turn and face me?
(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn and face me?
(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn and face me?
(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you and face me?
(GO!)
You fucking disappoint me

Passive-aggressive bullshit...

i was supposed to fall asleep. . . oh, about 3 fucking hours ago. i can never fall asleep. im not tired. im never tired. i have taken pills, they do not work. i have gotten drunk, still not worked (keep in mind, i didnt do any of these things on the same night), i went out for a 3 hour jog a few hours before bed, none of these things work. it annoys me to no freaking end. so i have been laying in bed just sitting there staring at my ceiling. i wish there was somethign there. i want to sleep so bad. when i fall asleep, i can see amanda. . .and thats all i want right now. i just want to see her beautiful face again! this sucks. . .

no, im not talking about the book and no, i wont be talking about that book.

all i need right now is to hear amandas voice, and i cant do that. cause my dad took my damn phone last night. he said you called, and that he just ignored it. it pisses me off that someone can ignore you, but i would rather he not talk to you anyways.

and i finally figured out a way to sleep at night without putting anything in my stomach and all that. . .

 no matter what has happened, amanda can always make me feel better. thank you for talking to me today.

which reminds me, madison really wants to see you! she said you were really cool and wanted to see you in person!

well, school was the same as always. went to my classes, ate lunch, laughed, had fun.

but today we had a pep assembly. normally i wouldnt care. . . accept for the fact that i was in this one. i was asked in the middle of 5th period "do you mind if you get a little wet?". i kinda knew what that meant, but. . . well, ill just continue. so at about 1:40 me and ami ayers (my partner for this event, which is cool, cause i havent talked to her in a while) left for the gym. they come up to us and say, "who is going to bob and who is going to tape?" we looked at eachother and she apparently didnt want to get that wet. . . so it was me that was going to bob for whatever i was bobbing for. turns out i was bobbing for parts of a barbie doll. i had to get 2 legs, 2 arms, and a hed out of the tub and over to the table where ami could put it together with duct tape. we needed duct tape cause all the joints were worn off. but i got completely soaked and got all of my pieces out first. it was really hard to do, they were awkwardly positioned so i ended up have to use my tongue to scoop the pieces up. kinda like a bull dozer accept underwater. we ended up losing cause the duct tape wouldnt stick. but it was still a hell of a good time, and im soaked from head to toe. i was in the first school pep assembly for auburn mountianview, alright!

this is wierd, i have no school spirit. its just the fact that i had fun and i was the first. fun day. . .

we see problems everyday. we watch from afar, hoping not to get involved. we think, if i didnt see it, it didnt happen. we start problems everyday. we think that, as long as we dont acknowledge that it was a problem it isnt.

saying good bye is hard. saying good bye when you know they arent there is even harder. the pain may never stop, or it may never really be there. im not sure which is which. i dont know, i never knew. i sometimes wonder if he did die for a reason. id like to think he was protecting someone or something. . . but considering. . .no. he is gone, and i could have done something. and if anyone feels like saying i couldnt, i can prove you wrong.

i want to just drop it tho. he never liked when i hurt inside, so for him, this is over. all of it. the memories are all over. they are worth nothing to everyone but are worth everything to me. its a shame, that i gain the affection of the most wonderful girl i have ever met, only to lose one of my closest friends. well, thats the wall the crazy ball bounces.

its time to go to hell, dont forget to pack your sunscreen.

was supposed to get my permit. . .that never happened.

got my hair cut. . . well, trimmed is more like it. ate at ivars, food tasted bad.

went to fred meyers, got me the string quarted tribute to linkin park, kicks ass.

aunt and uncle tried to get me drunk, that was "fun".

ride home, yelled at because . . . because. . . well damn, i dont know why! but i had to walk the dog, and then he almost peed on my new shoes. . .

and now im talking to amanda. the only good part about today!

ive got fried rice!

and it tastes good!

yesterday was september 11th. . . and if i remember correctly something bad happened. now, what im wondering is, why no one mentioned it to me. no one even said it was the 11th. i thought it was a day of rememberence. . .looks like alot of people chose to forget. now, im not critizing really, im just saying. cause i never really cared when it happened. now, before you get pissed, listen. i knew no one over there, i was in middle school, and i was pissed off that day. so i wasnt in the mood to care. . . period. i do care that we lost lives, but i didnt care that we made a huge deal about it. we should have not given it as much attention. its almost like letting them win. and i was right. . . within 4 years no one will care that much.

some one prove me wrong. . . please

the plan to stay home worked out perfectly.

so i got to stay home today. . . and better yet, i got to stay home today with amanda! just being around her, i get such a good, warm feeling. whenever i see her my heart starts to beat really fast and i get so freakin nervous!

i love you so much amanda... thank you for such a wonderful day!

goodnight all!

im gonna TRY to sleep.

"Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends"

You are a getaway car, a rush of blood to the head
But me, I'm just the covers on top of your bed
You steer away in a rear view mirror, you make my head swim
I keep you warm and won't ask you where you've been

With your backless black dress soaked to the skin
When it's said and done they're all scrambling
And we're friends, yeah we're friends
Just because we move units

Strike us like matches, cause everyone deserves the flames
We only do it for the scars and stories, not the fame
At least everyone is trying, everyone is shining
Everyone deserves the flames but it's such a shame
Such a shame

The sounds of this small town make my ears hurt (make my ears hurt)
Oh yeah, you caught me. But I caught you one worse
They say, "You want a war? You've got a war."
But who are you fighting for?
The tides out, the ship's run aground
We drown traitors in shallow water

With your backless black dress soaked to the skin
When it's said and done they're all scrambling
And we're friends, yeah we're friends
Just because we move units

Strike us like matches, cause everyone deserves the flames
We only do it for the scars and stories, not the fame
At least everyone is trying, everyone is shining
Everyone deserves the flames but it's such a shame
Such a shame

Everyone is trying, everyone is shining
Everyone deserves the flames but it's such a shame
Such a shame

Strike us like matches, cause everyone deserves the flames
We only do it for the scars and stories, not the fame
At least everyone is trying, everyone is shining
Everyone deserves the flames but it's such a shame
Such a shame

bomb exploding. . .

bodies everywhere. . .

gun fire all around. . .

then the real hell begins. . .

you wake up.

i cannot believe how lucky i am to have found you, amanda. . .

you gave me hope, dreams, love. . . your voice is the most enchanting sound ever to enter my ears.

i love you amanda, you are the most amazing person in my entire life

"Juneau"

Tied to the testing of wills, where my heart breaks and spills
Left to the sight of the sky, in your arms I'm defined
Thrown to the wolves in the minds of your enemies,
in the minds of your enemies
And I'm stone in the eyes of your foolishness

If this is what I'm meant for, no longer interesting
Fall forward to even the score
Just a thought to you

Tied to the testing of wills, where my heart breaks and spills
Left to the sight of the sky, in your arms I'm defined
Thrown to the wolves in the minds of your enemies,
in the minds of your enemies
And I'm stone in the eyes of your foolishness

And I'm nothing more than a line in your book
Yet I'm nothing more than a line in your book
Yet I'm nothing more than a line in your book
Yet I'm nothing more than a line in your book
In your book, in your book

If this is what I'm meant for, no longer interesting
Fall forward to even the score
Just a thought to you

(Just a thought to you)
(Just a thought to you)

Yet I'm nothing more
Yet I'm nothing more than a line in your book
Yet I'm nothing more than a line in your book

im serious, somethings up with me. i have been happy all day (accept in 6th period because i sit next to john), im always laughing, im always upbeat. even when i do bad in things i am in a good mood. im eating at lunch. . . and im eating alot. i usually have a bunch of food. jewelry is so much fun, and i made amanda a present today in there. i hope she likes it, i had some troubles, so it doesnt look too good, but i just want to give it to her. latin is alot of fun, and way, WAY easier than japanese. i am already able to put sentences together. they're not that good, but its better than me in japanese. math is a peace of cake cause i already did it over summer. us history, omg! it is the most boring class i have ever had! its ridiculous, i can barely stand it! not too mention jake house wont ever shut the hell up! i swear, i hope he falls over when he leans back, he deserves it. chemistry kicks major ass, the teacher is a smart ass but in a good way. he always messes with us, and said he doesnt want to give out homework! and like i said, in ap literature, i have to sit next to john. damnit to puss blooded hell! of all the people i know in there, seriously! why him!?

oh well, no school tommorow, tommorow is amanda time. . .

i was reading some other peoples blogs and i realized something. . . my life is boring. nothing really happens.

i mean, stuff happens, but not on the calibur of everyone else.

i find it strange that night time is my favorite time, yet i am not usually happy at night. does that mean i like being not happy? or does it mean i dont like sun light. . .

i like it when my friends and loved ones show me things that i am not noticing. talking with those people can open your eyes, even if you hold them tightly closed. at first you may not like it, but you are happy they did it.

thanks

-guess who

im thinkin of changing things up here at my mindsay. i was wonderin if anyone had any suggestions or knew of any sites that has codes i can put in to make it sorta more customized. thanks for reading, and thanks even more if you can help a guy out! (im just getting bored with what i have, thats all)

No One Really Wins

erika, thank you for talking to me. i will always have the most wonderful little girl in the world :)

well, tommorow should be interesting. i am supposed to get my new bike. also some head phones. . . and try and get an application to work at the tinker toys place at the mall. little kid toy store! its gonna be effing great! i just hope i can get the job, but if i dont, i guess it cant be helped. school is starting to go downhill. the only fun times i have are latin and lunch. i can never seem to remember that i had homework, it sucks! i write myself reminders everywhere, but i still cant remember. . . i am an idiot! i wrote in on my arm for craps sake!

oh well, gonna go make some friends some cds n stuff.

assholes! they stopped hiring already!

i got my bike tho, so thats all good. oh yeah, and new headphones!

face it, we all like to tell jokes. we like to make light of situations so that they are easier to deal with. hell, thats the only reason i can deal with some things. but back to the point. we say things that we think are funny to ourselves without thinking of its effects on others who happen to over hear it. now im not saying that we all are that neglectful, im just saying that it happens.

jokes hurt sometimes . . .even if they make you laugh, sometimes these arent tears from laughing to hard. sometimes, jokes can hurt more even when you dont take it seriously. . . or worse yet, when its not a joke and your serious but it sounds like a joke. that kind usually gets peoples hopes up that you were kidding. . . and then it turns out your not. i think i am gonna go to bed really early tonight, conciousness is being a pain in the ass. . .

it was effin great! spent time with some friends and ate pizza. . .

it was a time well spent. not much latin tho. . .but there was family guy. as well as pop, and pizza. it was a hella of a lot of fun. i just wish i could do that more often than i did. . .

uber tired lately. im talking like, i have only been up 7 hours so far, and i wanna go sleep some more. today was okay tho. i kinda passed out for 20 seconds (i seem to have done that alot this year. . .strange), but these things happen. i think its cause i forgot to breathe or something. oh well, crap happens. no worries tho everyone, i am fine, nothing happened. i had some really good orange chicken over rice. . . oh god it was good! also, i bought a bag of runts and some more reeses. actually, more like a giant bag of runts and a box of king size reesese. . .

oh yeah, the stupid karate demo team party wasnt organized properly and so no one was there to unlock the gate to get into the airport. . . so we said eff that and went to the mall. long story short, i owe my parents 50 bucks. oh yeah, also, my parents bought me the family guy dvd cause i passed out (i should do that more often. . .).

im going to bed early again. . .

i wanna talk to people, but i just feel exhausted. many, many apologies everyone!

i have no internet or computer right now. everything i am doing is at school, just a heads up. i really wish i could have been able to talk and all of that before hand, but what can you do.

on the bright side, i can spin on my butt on my new floor, a good 10 times! lol, but seriously, i wish i could have talked to all of you sooner. i should have it back by saturday tho.

i was lucky enough to set up the computer in my room and for some reason it has the best reception in the whole house for wireless internet. . . go figure. long story short, i have internet again!

so, what did i miss?

today i had a very, very good sandwich. . .

and it was made for me by the most beautiful girl i have ever seen in my entire life

this kinda sucks. . . i can barely move.

i feel like all of my energy has been sucked right outa me. . . just pain all over the place.

it wouldnt be so bad if i knew what the hell did this to me!

i'll talk more on the subject when i can, night everyone

how come the only person you can say what you want to. . . is yourself?

This is the sad story of love; a story which will be repeated for as long as time's crystalline ball exists, until this crystal ball collides with a planet or star from another time or age and breaks. Or perhaps time will eventually swell up with these recurring tragic stories and explode, filling up its vast expanse. And when time's vessel runs over with affection, is filled with an overflow of repressed feelings and cries of loneliness, its crystalline wall will crack... but each love story will surely survive in the scattered shards of this crystal ball, thereby refreshing time for awhile. Perhaps a day will come when eternity and all created and uncreated things will become nothing but the crystalline particles of time, containing the seed of love - the sad story of love. What a time that will be for lovers sleeping in the bubble of time, an age of stories whose endings are not so very predictable.

The woman is known to many people, so telling a story or mentioning her name will not change anything. She was the woman who would write her life in her stories. And the man whose existence or lack of existence is the same because nobody knows him. How did they meet each other... that is not important either. When a story is being formed, it will find its way: finding a job, reading a story or publishing it. It doesn't make any difference...

She was a simple woman. Her mind was compatible with her tongue and her heart. Her words exactly reflected her thoughts and her feelings. When it came to loving someone, she did not believe in time. She was always in love, not like those who are in love one moment and out of it the next ... Thus, when she saw the man for the first time, she said, "You are handsome. Let's be friends... I feel very lonely."

The man, unkempt and unshaven, was sitting across the table. With a little smile on his face, he was staring at the woman. The way the woman was acting and behaving had convinced the man that she was nothing but a child and he could make a novelist of her.

The man had read the woman's stories and was pretending that he was interested in her works. He was talking to her about the things that he was expected to say without mentioning a word about love. The woman had realized that she could make the man her own if she wrote good stories.

Days passed. The man had managed to keep that little smile on his face -- the smile that could leave everything suspended in the air. The woman had remained the same as she always was. She would walk in the room, turn the books and the library upside down, put all the papers on the desk, take them away and put them back on the desk again...

The woman was restless in every step that she took and every word that she uttered. One day after she had made a big mess, she sat face to face with the man and said, "Give me your hand and let me tell you your fortune." The man said, "Leave it for the time when you've become a writer." The woman said, "But I need your hand to touch me on the head." "Why?" the man asked, smiling.

The woman answered, "I would like you to touch my head gently with your hand."

The man laughed and said, "You're crazy." He did not give her his hand.

I am writing this story very quickly because I am afraid that somebody may come and sit on that chair next to the window, stare at me and ask, "How far along are you?" I am writing this story without letting anybody see it. And I would not like anyone to see it before I reach the end of it. I do not even name the locations in the story because mentioning the names of places, cities and buildings not only takes time, which I do not have at all, but also resolves no issues. It is enough to know that all these events are taking place within the crystal ball of time.

And time, for a woman like her -- a woman who was looking for someone to love her-- was just time. She could see no difference between seconds and years. Everywhere she was, she would try to squeeze the essence of time in order to reach a moment when she could see nobody but that 'someone' as a man and herself as a woman.

Thus, she began working. She seemed to seek the help of her own existence to give life to her words. It seemed that the words were becoming detached from every particle of her body and soul. She kept writing; one story after another, every story a romantic one. And there was the man who would read the stories and shake his head as a sign of satisfaction with his own task.

Sometimes the woman would read the story which she had just completed to the man. Then, she would say, "I'm tired. Let's go for a walk."

The man would nod, smiling and the woman would realize that the time when she could be seen with the man in public had not yet come. The woman could understand that there was a distance between her and the man; she would doubt her work and would go back to reading and writing.

Time was passing and the books authored by the woman were being published one after another. The man was spending all of his time reading her books and every day he was paying more and more attention to her or, to tell the truth, to the female character of her stories. The man would go to her room and sit by her and she would talk about everything that she could think of. For a long time, she had made no sense when she was talking, and everyday her speech was becoming more and more unclear -- so unclear that the man could not tell the difference between her and the female character of her stories. The woman kept repeating, "Do you love me?" And the man would always laugh and ask, "How much of the story have you written?"

And the woman would suddenly realize what the man expected of her; she would get hold of herself and show the callus caused by the pen on her finger. And the man would say, "That's hard work..." And the woman would keep on working.

How long did it take until changes gradually appeared in the woman's body and soul? The woman, who was always focusing her attention on the door to see the man coming in to read her stories, was now afraid lest someone should come and bend over the pages filled with her stories.

Time was never important in the woman's life. If a seed, a seed of love, was sown, nothing could uproot it, but the man could see little by little that the woman was not showing any interest. If he called her, she would turn her head towards him very slowly as though lost in what she was writing. The woman's look no longer had the same loving radiance, the same childlike enthusiasm. On the contrary, the female character of her story had sparkling eyes and an amorous look and was acting with more and more childlike enthusiasm.

And the man would read the stories everyday before and after they were published. The more he read them, the better he could understand the woman -- the woman who could feel her own skin and blood in her stories.

The man would play music for the woman to encourage her to write more and to make her go on creating a romantic atmosphere in her stories. And in order to compensate for the lethargic movement of her head and neck, he would make fruit juices for her and attend to her food. But the woman was not paying any attention to the man's affections; she was just writing. And one day when the man asked her, "Are you tired? Let's go for a walk," she replied in a weak voice with a fixed and unclear look on her face, "I can't. I'm busy." She didn't go out with him.

She would not pay attention to the critique of her stories in literary journals either; the journals were competing with each other to write about her. She would not even know how many copies of her books were being published. She would not react to the man's enthusiasm either -- the man who would stand before her with a newspaper in his hand. The woman's movements were becoming slower and slower everyday.

And one day when the man woke up, he laughed alone. He had never laughed like this before, especially when he was by himself. He had a strange feeling; he could remember the woman's sense of humor, her childlike actions and behavior and the question which she used to ask repeatedly: "Are you in love with me?"

The man was singing by himself and being dragged towards the woman. He finally reached a flower shop, bought a bouquet of flowers and went to see the woman. The woman was busy writing as usual. She seemed to be writing the last sentence of a story. It was only her hand that was moving; her body, like a statue made of stone, was far away from everything, even time. Her whole body seemed to have turned to a single hand -- a hand that was writing hastily. The man put the flowers that he had brought her in the vase and placed the vase before her. She did not look at it. She was gazing at what she was writing so intensely that she did not even bat an eyelid. She seemed to have reached the last sentence; the man saw her putting a period at the end of the last sentence. Her hand had remained motionless on the page. The man slowly pulled the papers from under her hand. He read the title of the story: 'The Sad Story of Love' and laughed. He tapped the woman on the shoulder, looked at her face and suddenly grew still. She was no longer 'the woman'; she had turned to a fossil -- a fossil of words. To be sure, the man touched her on the shoulder and , all of a sudden, she broke down into small pieces and thousands of words were scattered all over. And the man saw these, among thousands of words: "You're very handsome... Let's become friends... I'm very lonely!"

 Start: 100%

  
Smoked: 100%
Drank alcohol: 99%
Cried when someone died: 97%
Been drunk: 97%
Had sex: 96%
Been to a concert: -
Been verbally sexually harassed: 95%

Verbally sexually harassed somebody: 94% (and have been apologizing ever since)

Felt someone up and/or been felt up: 93%

Laughed so hard something came out of your nose: 92%
Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before: -
Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend:-

Been to prom: -

Cried at school: 91%
Gotten lost in a WalMart or a department store: 90%
Went streaking: -
Given a lap dance: -
Had someone of the opposite sex in your room: 89%
Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over: 88%

Slept over at someone of the opposite sex's house: 87%

Kissed a stranger: -
Hugged a stranger: -
Went scuba diving: -
Driven a car: 86%

Gotten an xray: -

Hit by a car: 85%
Had a party: 84%
Done drugs: -
Played strip poker: -
Got paid to strip for someone: -
Ran away from home: 83%
Broken a bone: -
Eaten sushi: 82%
Bought porn: -
Watched porn: 81%
Made porn: -
Had a crush on someone of the same sex: 80%
Been in love: 79%
Frenched kissed: -
Laughed so hard you cried: 78%
Cried yourself to sleep: 77%
Laughed yourself to sleep: -
Stabbed yourself: 76%
Shot a gun: -
Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day: -
Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours: 75%

Been online for 9 consecutive hours: 74%
Watched an animal die: 73%
Watched a person die: 72%
Had sex and/or messed around somewhere with atleast 1 person present: -
Pranked somebody: -
Put somebody in the hospital: -

Snuck into someone's room and/or your own room after being out: -
Kissed somebody of the same sex: 71%
Dressed "punk": -

Dressed "goth": -
Dressed "preppy": -

Been to a motocross race: -
Avoided somebody: 70%
Been stalked: 69%
Stalked someone: -

Met a celebrity: 68%

Played an instrument: 67%
Ridden a horse: -
Cut yourself: 66%

Bungee jumped: -
Ding dong ditched somebody: 65%
Been to a wild party: -
Got caught stealing something: -
Kicked a guy in the balls: 64%

Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend: -

Went out with your friend's crush: -
Got arrested: -
Been pregnant: -
Babysat: 64%
Been to another country: 63%
Started your house on fire: 62%

Had an encounter with a ghost: 61%
Donated your hair to cancer patients: -

Been asked out by someone that you never though you'd to be asked out by: -
Cried over a member of the opposite sex: 60%
Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over 3 months: 59%
Sat on your ass all day: 58%
Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself: 57%
Had a job: -
Gotten cut from a sports team: -
Been called a whore: 56%
Danced like a whore: -
Been mistaken for a celebrity: 55%
Been in a car accident: 54%
Been told you have beautiful eyes: 53%

Been told you have beautiful hair: 52%
Raped somebody: -

Danced in the rain: 51%
Been rejected: 50%

Walked out of a restaurant without paying: 49%
Punched someone/slapped someone in the face: 48%

 End: 48%

i wish i could take back all those things.

i am really sorry everyone. at the moment, all i can do is apologize for doing what i have done, but eventually- maybe i will be able to rectify those mistakes.

heres to that *drinks glass*! 

so the shittyness today just wouldnt stop.

when i got out of bed, i knew today was just gonna suck. i told that to bryan on the way to school.

latin was fine, but i started to feel like crap (mentally) in the middle of it. i just wanted to *deleted for the sake of misunderstandings*.

then in math my teacher decides to mess with me some more. . . i hate him so much.

in history i really felt bad, and someone just couldnt stop with messing with me and degrading amanda.

after that i go out in the hall for lunch and he brings up old crap people used to make fun of me for and i just couldnt take it. i left, i had had enough of his shit for the day.

then in jewelry i skin my arm and torso, that was fun.

in chemistry, i felt a little better, but probably just denial and all that. . . i shouldnt have felt better, so i probably didnt.

and in literature i just kept feeling worse and worse about everything.

and then i go out to my bike. . . and some assholes let out the air in my tire. . .

and this all began because i spent around 6 hours last night thinking about my life

tested people for karate today, and went to latin club.

i must have been on the ground more today than i have ever been before. . . damnit that tickled like hell!

oh yeah, and to fucking hell to amanda's parents!

Don't run away
I can't live without you
Please stay
And I learn to love you right

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
I've been crying for you
Dying for you all this time
I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I ain't gonna
Lose you tonight
No, I ain't gonna lose you tonight

Don't run away
I never wanted to hide you
Please stay
And I learn to treat you right

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I've been crying for you
Dying for you all this time
I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I ain't gonna
Lose you tonight

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I've been crying for you
Dying for you all this time
I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I ain't gonna
Lose you tonight

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life

Oh, I can't live without you

And I've been crying for you
Dying for you all this time

I never want adore you

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I ain't gonna
Lose you tonight

I ain't gonna lose you tonight

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I've been crying for you
Dying for you all this time
I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I ain't gonna
Lose you tonight

i only wish you could see everything from our perspective. you would see that your not hurting us in any way! you have done absolutley nothing wrong, your one of the few people i know who havent. . . you are a wonderful person, and it is awesome that i know you. no matter what happens, i wont leave you. you are my daughter, and i cant stand that you have to be by yourself in this. you shouldnt be, and eventually, we will be there. we will come, and take you away to greece. you deserve better, and someday we will give that to you.

but please, dont leave us. . . dont leave me. . .

today was a fun day.

i was woken up around 8-9 when amanda called me to tell me to come to school and see her. i rush down there and i find her and her friend ally(not sure on the spelling, apoligies!). i am very glad amanda has such a cool friend there. she just makes you hyper, its crazy!

i wasnt doing too good tho, cause i saw a guy who looked far too close to what damien looked like, and i got really scared. . . nothing happened tho, and so thats the day so far. laters!

i just had dinner with amanda. . .it was great. it was just the two of us sitting outside her work in the windy area. we had a fun conversation (fun as in fun, you sick people, ha ha). she was in a perticularly good mood by the looks of things. she told me funny stories of "the cheddar cheese lady". . . it was discontinued! lol, it was fun.

she makes the best sandwiches, omg! they are the only meals that i finish every time.

thank you amanda, you gave me one of the best days all october (most likely more, i just cant remember that far back at the moment)

alright, so the PSAT is basically a glorified compass test. . . so it was pretty easy. but then again, i didnt pass the compass, so thats not a for sure. but yeah, thats this morning.

and in about 4 hours and something minutes im going to bryans house to chill n crap with an xbox.

hopefully later i can scrounge up some money so i can get a sub sandwhich. . .

ugh! my grandmas coming over. . . for the whole damn time my parents are gone. this week is going to suck more than any week ever has. i know its not nice, but i dont like her. i dont like things she affiliated herself with, nothing. i dont really consider her my grandma, i just dont know what her name is.

i just hope she leaves like last time, of course, i was a little kid then and she left me home all alone for a few days.

not really, but i wanna be asked some questions.

so people ask me stuff, i dont care what, i just wanna be asked questions.

bye bye for now

:) no sleep tonight! :)

:) no sleep tomorrow! :)

:) no sleep till that time of which is yet to be known :)

going out for a walk tonight, dont care. i need some air. and lots of it. if i dont calm down i wont be able to do what i want to do tomorrow, and i really do want to do it. its basically the only thing i have to look forward to for a long time. . . and the best part is. . . NO ONE CARES! lol, isnt it great!?

i like the people that think i am crazy, they at least dont try to sugar coat all the bull crap. they tell me what they think, no matter what. i envy those people, for i wish i could do that. i wish i could say . . . nope! fuck it, you dont get to know what i want to say. because why? because no one needs to! ha!

oh yeah. . . really cool, i found a good pocket knife on the way home from subway:) very sharp

fun day with amanda. . .

well, fun lunch with amanda, but the amount of time isnt important. . . its the worth of that time

and my how it was worth it. . .

today was cool. me and heath went down and got his tuxedo. everybody there at the shop was like "have you tried yours on yet?" or, "i hope you have fun" or, "did you like the fit?".

thats a way to make a guy feel GREAT. i dont think im going, so i wish that they wouldnt have brought it up. id like to have gone, but everyone i know has a date (even if its just friends), and as it shows, that will usually mean i am left alone to myself. thats not gonna be a good thing. it will be just like last time. . .

so i dont think going will be in my best interest. besides, i will only drag everbody there down.

anyways, theres always next year. . . 

i was talked into it by everyone. . . and while i was getting my ticket after school, the teacher locked my guitar in her room.

well, i will see everyone then. . .

untill you are face to face

cause then the idea is cemented into your brain. . .

i miss you

Whisper in the yard and turn the trees all into toys
Lay there on the ground, and turn the dirt into your joy
From what I see and what I know, it's all been boring lately
So I suggest we trade a question mark in for a maybe
Time your riddles right, and make a point that has no sense
Make sure that you're smiling, and the money's been well spent
Innocence and ignorance, it all goes hand in hand
I'm not sure that I'm right, but I hope you'll understand
I hope that you're still searching for the start that has no end
And all the plastic people have now become your friends
Before you start to drift and your soul begins to strain
I just wanted to tell you that you're listening to a dream

at least, i think i am

i act like i am better, i look like i am better. . .

but theres just the knowledge that im not.

i hurt. . .all the time, everywhere. and amanda, its not your fault, ive just gone through some mental and physical barrages lately.

____________________________________________________________________________________

and this is where i talk about homecoming.

i ended up going, and i saw alot of friends there, including Daza. it was strange.

i met some new people, saw some i hadnt seen for a while, yadda yadda yadda.

so about every single person i knew asked me the same question for around 45 minutes. . . wheres your girlfriend?

first off, her names amanda. i told you that. and why is it that thats the only question they've asked since they day we started going out? but for second off. . . since this will end all of the stupid questions that make me hurt so much, we are no longer going out.

and i was where when we stopped going out? in the largest gathering of couples i have ever been to. can anyone guess why i kinda didnt want to go? cause if you cant, your a moron. i dont mean to be blunt, but im gonna be.

i was trying to walk through the dance floor around the middle of the night, and some dude punched me in the nose and that bled for a while (one of my many bathroom trips). i also had water dumped on me when i was crying (another trip). but some good things did happen, john got busted for drinking, so that was a good laugh. i fell onto a tack and i found it in my shoulder blade later that night.

i didnt feel like dancing cause i didnt feel like dancing. i couldnt even do it for the laughs.

and of course, there were more slow songs that made me sad than i knew existed.

*middle finger* thank you, and good night

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
German philosopher (1844 - 1900)

He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it. Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
English humorist & science fiction novelist (1952 - 2001)

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. William Shakespeare, "Hamlet", Act 1 scene 5
Greatest English dramatist & poet (1564 - 1616)

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
US movie actor, comedian, & director (1935 - )

Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it. Confucius
Chinese philosopher & reformer (551 BC - 479 BC)

The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. Dante Gabriel Rossetti
English painter & poet (1828 - 1882)

I believe in God, only I spell it Nature. Frank Lloyd Wright
US architect (1869 - 1959)

It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them. Pierre Beaumarchais
French businessman & comic dramatist (1732 - 1799)

Ugly. Is irrelevant. It is an immeasurable insult to a woman, and then supposedly the worst crime you can commit as a woman. But ugly, as beautiful, is an illusion. Margaret Cho, weblog, 01-27-04

The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79. Douglas Adams, "Mostly Harmless"
English humorist & science fiction novelist (1952 - 2001)

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in. Bradley's Bromide

Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives. A. Sachs

It's no accident that the church and the graveyard stand side by side. The city of the dead sleeps encircled by the city of the living. Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider, Northern Exposure, Lost and Found, 1992

Death is nothing to us, since when we are, death has not come, and when death has come, we are not. Epicurus, from Diogenes Laertius, Lives of Eminent Philosophers
Greek philosopher (341 BC - 270 BC)

single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic. Joseph Stalin
Georgian Soviet politician (1879 - 1953)

Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that! Matt Frewer, as Dr. Mike Stratford in "Doctor, Doctor"

I suppose that I shall have to die beyond my means. Oscar Wilde, upon being told the cost of an operation
Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 - 1900)

I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who overcomes his enemies. Aristotle, In Stobaeus, Florilegium
Greek critic, philosopher, physicist, & zoologist (384 BC - 322 BC)

In men of the highest character and noblest genius there is to be found an insatiable desire for honour, command, power, and glory. Cicero
Roman author, orator, & politician (106 BC - 43 BC)

Let your desires be ruled by reason.
(Appetitus Rationi Pareat) Cicero
Roman author, orator, & politician (106 BC - 43 BC)

I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room. Blaise Pascal
French mathematician, physicist (1623 - 1662)

There are two ways to slide easily through life; to believe everything or to doubt everything. Both ways save us from thinking. Alfred Korzybski
US (Polish-born) author, logician, & scientist (1879 - 1950)

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. Bertrand Russell
British author, mathematician, & philosopher (1872 - 1970)

But penance need not be paid in suffering...It can be paid in forward motion. Correcting the mistake is a positive move, a nurturing move. Barbara Hall, A Summons to New Orleans, 2000

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die."

The Princess Bride quotes

"Would you consider me as an alternative to suicide?"

The Princess Bride quotes

"1: I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?

2: Well, you were dead

1: But death cannot stop true love...All it can do is delay it for a while."

The Princess Bride quotes

"Sometimes suicide isn't just an action, its a choice in the back of the mind to save themselves from themselves."

"I have decided that suicide is completely out of the question. I refuse to end the suffering of others... No, I must contemplate homicide and end the suffering of one... ME!!!"

". . . the crime of suicide lies rather in its disregard for the feelings of those whom we leave behind."

"Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit.""

Bill Maher quotes

“Suicide sometimes proceeds from cowardice, but not always; for cowardice sometimes prevents it; since as many live because they are afraid to die, as die because they are afraid to live"

Charles Caleb Colton quotes

“Anyone desperate enough for suicide...should be desperate enough to go to creative extremes to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on the boat to New Zealand and start over, do what they always wanted to do but were afraid to try."

Richard Bach quotes

today i learned that samhain is what halloween was originally called. the true, celtic halloween.

but that is irrelevant. i regretably only got to see around 10 kids trick or treating. although, that does mean more candy for me. . .

also, i went to subway for dinner and tomorrows lunch and it was pretty laid back for a while. . . no one really showed up till i had to leave. i dont know why exactly, but i just felt really good being there, and i still do. . .

well, we will start with this boy.

he had lots of. . . well, we will call them "friends" because he was not one to have enemies, no matter how mean they were. some were nice, but they were driven off by the not so nice ones. this continued on until the boy was left all alone with the jerks. he was originally a really nice kid, but being around these people so long turned him into a not so nice person. not alot of people like him, and he never did anything to change that. he rarely talked to anyone who he didnt already know, and even then it was just a "hello".

this continued on for a few years.

one day, he realized how much he had changed. he found his true friends. . . the ones who like him, who would actually help him if it came down to it. this sparked something in him. . .he went from the sour soul from before, back to his original state of mind. he was nice again. he actually enjoyed being around others. . . his life had changed.

which brings us to the girl.

the two of them met back when the boy still hung out with the jerks. the night before they met, he had been picked on by them. and one of his friends who he had happened to be with at the time, stood up for him. this was a first in a long time, and gave him the courage to fight back, if only for one night.

but when that friend came back with the girl mentioned before, the boy was shy. he didnt know why, girls had never made him shy since 5 years before. he didnt understand what it was, but there was something special about this girl.

and he had yet to learn her name. . .

but to continue. . . they eventually started to talk to each other because they shared the same last period of the day. she sat next to one of the boys other friends, which is how they started talking. eventually, she was seated next to him. they began to talk everyday accept the weekends. the boy grew more and more infatuated every single day he saw her. then he remembered christmas time earlier that year. . . the two of them exchanged christmas cards. neither of them knew each other yet, or knew about that. he had found so many unknown connections with her, it seemed far too coincedental.

then there was a field trip scheduled. the boy was upset, because he thought he wouldnt see her that day. but it turned out that she was going on it too. she was telling him about how she was going to bring her lunch and he asked her if she could bring some for him too, providing that he pay of course. she agreed.

the weekend passed and it was the day before the field trip. he asked if she was going to get him the food after school still and she said yes. the boy had spent the whole entire weekend building up the courage to ask her out. he never felt that way before about someone. he had never gone out with anyone. . . ever. he was beyond scared, but for once he wasnt about to let that stop him. he finally accomplished his task, and much to his suprise, she said she would go out with him. he walked her to her bus, and he felt so amazed, he actually collapsed from the shock of what just occured.

the next day, they had their feild trip. it was alot of fun, and the boy learned alot about the girl. and the girl learned alot about the boy. the girl missed someone during the trip, and so she asked if she could use the boys phone, and he agreed of course. later that day, when they got to school and waited for her bus. . . the most amazing thing happened.

she kissed him.

he had never before felt the way he did just then.

"Only those who truly love and who are truly strong can sustain their lives as a dream. You dwell in your own enchantment. Life throws stones at you, but your love and your dream change those stones into the flowers of discovery. Even if you lose, or are defeated by things, your triumph will always be exemplary. And if no one knows it, then there are places that do. People like you enrich the dreams of the worlds, and it is dreams that create history. People like you are unknowing transformers of things, protected by your own fairy-tale, by love."

is anyone out there tired?

is anyone out there not tired?

is anyone out there willing to leave a lonely person a quick comment?

lol, sorry, couldnt resist :P what can i say, i have my moments. . .

i really want to talk on aim right now, but my aim program locked up and wont let me send messages or sign off.  how annoying can this be, really!

besides, i really wanna talk to erika right now. not about anything really, i just really wanna talk to her again.

:( i am trying my hardest to fix it!

a beautiful girl at the river bank. . .

a boy running left and right after he realized he lost her. . .

silence. . .

talking. . .

hurt. . .

revalation. . .

sadness. . .

more revalations. . .

the boy had found the girl. . .

he later came back to the bank and threw stones into the water, but not out of anger. . .out of thanks

dont hate ones self. because to hate yourself is to hate those who care about you. . . learn to love who you are, no matter how bad you are. feel free to change, but anger and hatred shouldnt be let upon yourself everyday. . . its not healthy. . .

omg, i seriously have the coolest daughter!

erika, we really do have to talk like that again sometime, it was so much fun!

my face hurts so much from smiling :)

the conversation in the car i just had with folks. . .

mom: you can stick our butts in a retirement home

me: what?

mom: well, you and amanda are gonna have kids by then and wont wanna deal with us, right?

me: . . .

gee, thanks mom. although, i suppose it is my fault, i still havent told them we broke up. im planning on telling them when they start asking why i dont kiss you anymore amanda.

"Now it seems I’m fading
All my dreams are not worth saving
I’ve done my share of waiting
And I’ve still got nowhere else to go"

i worry that this is true. . . most of the things i once thought dont even enter my mind anymore. i could care less about playing the new games coming out. i dont want to work for nintendo anymore. fast food tastes like shit, and i used to eat that 5 times a week and i loved it. i used to think love never truly existed, because all i would see was heartache. i used to not care about other people, i didnt think they were worth my time.

love is worth it, its all worth it.

everything i once thought, is gone. and everything i think now, i feel like isnt my own thoughts. like somebody clicked on the "clear" button in my brain. . . and then just brought up a notepad and rewrote everything about me. i means seriously! look at how i am now! i am nothing like i was. . . i was nothing like what i should have been. .  . i am no longer me

those words, almost. . . hurt

so many times, in the past couple of days, have i heard the words "you would have before. . ."

perhaps. . . i suppose my idea that i am changing again is right. although, in this sense, its more of a reverting, than a changing. i think i might end up going back to being an inconsiderate jerk. . . i dont want to, but apparently, thats whay im doing. i have noticed that my actions dont show that i care anymore. . . i dunno, i guess its just time for the good to finally go away and let the bad take its place. the whole yin yang set up. . . although. . . i didnt really think that it was gonna take this good away too. . .

alright. . . i have talked my parents into giving me a quick 30 minutes of online time.

i got grounded for two weeks for skipping on thursday and writing a forged note. i have no tv, no internet accept at school, no music, no guitar, no video games, cant leave the house really, and i cant talk on the phone.

so if your trying to reach me, try it at school or have someone who does see me at school talk to me.

im really sorry to leave for a while, but here you go, at least you know why.

i got my parents to repeal the whole, no internet thing. but i have to do a few other things extra to make the punishment still worth it.

im really glad about that. . . i would hate to miss out on anything

today i had chocolate so good that it could pee on, spit on, laugh at, humiliate, defacate on, and break a hersheys chocolate bar and the hersheys would be grateful. . . damn that thing was good

sometimes you just wanna stare at the sky. . .

. . . that bruised sky with broken clouds. . .

friday school is boring as hell.

i am sitting here doing nothing. i ran out of stuff to do about an hour ago.

oh well, it will be over soon. . .i hope. . .

somebody leave me a message to keep the boredom away, please!

oh wow. . . amanda, what can i say. i love you so much.

i cant wait to see you again, i wish i could come to college all next week. . .

speaking of which. . . im down to one week left on the groundation crap.

well, laters

if i had to die in a 24 hour time period, and you had to chose how, what way would you pick?

*runs screaming* AHHHHHHHHHH!

*runs screaming the other way* AHHHHHHHHHH!

i wanna see my friends outside of school! i especially wanna see erika and amanda though. . .

i am apparently going shopping. . . on . . . friday.

shit.

still have one more day before school. . . im happy, yet sad at the same time.

does anyone have any ideas on what i should do tomorrow?

keep in mind im grounded and cant really leave the house.

oh man, i havent had a headache this bad since. . . well, im not gonna get into that.

but when its this bad, i end up getting sick. . . i dont wanna be sick again. and its not even a real sick, its just that i cant keep anything down. . . i guess im gonna start losing weight here soon

i better get some tonight

havent slept since thanksgiving, tired as hell. . .

no more groundation!

effin hells yes!

sometimes you just get the feeling that no matter what happens, nothing is going to change in your favor.

no matter how hard you try, and you try, it doesnt mean anything. you can pour your heart and soul into something, and in return. . . it leaves you and has no regrets about it.

people walk away all the time, people say goodbye, people die. you may never see the person next to you ever again. . . or anyone else for that matter.

but does that mean anything? no, because they dont care. why should you?

"would you. . .? no"

we all see those cracks in the ground. . .

am i the only one who wishes they could swallow up our lives?

and leave no traces?

i had the best freaking sandwhich, followed by the best salad ive ever had in my life!

seriously, i dont think ive eaten a sub that fast in my life. . . i want another one. . . or five.

and the salad, holy crap!

seriously, you out did yourself. . . hardcore out did yourself.

leflook ielfn thelfe skelfy! ielfts a belfird! shelfit. . .

welfe alelfl nelfo pielfg laelftin, buelft whelfo caelf spelfeak elf?

sometimes you just wanna take a few people and leave all the crap behind.

but i guess toleration is something ive gotten really good at over the years. its gotten to the point that even stuff that pisses me off doesnt outwardly affect me. i used to yell back to my dad. . . now i just dont care.

*sigh* why cant the world learn from eachother?

bye

goodbye

bye

goodbye

bye

goodbye

bye

goodbye

badbyes. . . 

i could have done alot of stuff today. . . but i did nothing.

my damn jewelry teacher is seriously pissing me off, and after being in that class, no matter how hard i try, i cant seem to calm back down. ive had enough of her always singling me out for getting in trouble while all the russian kids never get in trouble. . . its bullshit!

seems to have been down lately. im feeling like shit all day at school, and all the people who would cheer me up are as well. we are all having our problems. . . be it break ups, hookups, teachers, homework, projects, tests, essays, assholes, jerks, morons, money, and all other forms of life.

sometimes i dont know if we are ever really happy, its just moments where we dont notice we are sad. im not sure if things do make me happy, i think they just null the emotions and my natural cover up bs just takes over from there. but only certain people get me to that null point now. it used to be that all of my friends made me feel better. . . that number has dwindled down to less than enough to make a difference. there are so many things i want to do, that i know i cannot do. . .ever.

"its like when you really want something, and you work at it for as long as you can remember. its something that you have always thought just out of your reach. then, when its finally within grasp. . . its stolen away, and you. . . like a broken dog. . . must sit and be taunted by its beauty"

i hear people say this all the time, "i wanna go home". . .well what do you say when you dont want to go home but you dont want to be anywhere else either? i dont want to dissappear cause i might make someone upset, or sad. . .and i want no living being on this planet to ever shed a tear in my name. i am unworthy of tears, love, friendship, and many other things. though i am unworthy, i still dream of someday finally being able to accept them. like giving a masterfully crafted sword to a child. . . at first its great, but they need to develope themselves before they can truly appreciate such a wonderful gift.

and i am undeveloped. . .

if someones gonna get hurt, i wish it was me. . . but for some reason im always the one who never gets hurt.

what kind of cruel twist of fate is that?

a guy i know named Patrick Graham is dead. . .

thats another friend that i'll never see again.

i wish we could turn back the clock and bring you back, so many people are gonna miss you. . .

i feel the worst for dan. you two were best friends, i wish i could do something for him and you

thursday, party thingy with my moms work people, boring as hell. . .

friday, pats funeral. . . gonna be alot of people there, really sad. . .

saturday, (so far) going to sno-ball with sami

sunday, shopping/maybe bryan and josh

monday, hope nothing is due

tuesday, likewise

wednesday, freedom! and aloneness. . .lots and lots of aloneness

on the way to the party thing, he made my mom cry. because she didnt know the street names, in a place shed never been to before. yeah, fuck him.

and in other news, i fucked up, and will fuck up again here pretty soon

i seem to have not said much about whats going on lately.

i made two people mad at me, and a few really happy. that seems to be the way things work with me.

i am going out with a girl named sami who is amazing, and im sure theres someone out there who wont care much about hearing about her. even though i still enjoy every single minute with her.

i am almost done with my christmas shopping, just one more thing to get.

cayleans party was freaking awesome, i enjoyed the movies and the food and the hanging out. good times.

bryan and i had a damn good time with halo recently even though we still cant beat those damn levels.

i havent been this happy in a long time, even with all the fuck ups that i caused

it was great, bryan took me snowboarding!

ive never been before, but i picked it up pretty fast. most of my spills are on tape too! it was alot of fun, and lots of laughs were had. and the guy that took us, jerry, was really weird. but in a good way. he narrated the "movie" and made it even better!

only injury is my wrist, i dont think its anything too bad though.

the whole way down and back we just kept talking about how much we missed our certain someones. it was funny how in tune we were on everything today. . .

so it was the best christmas eve to date, i had the time of my life!

i asked for 2 movies, a memory card for a camera, and some headphones. i got those, plus a chair, another movie, a new cell phone, jackets and sweatshirts, and $100 in ones!

my cats got in a huge fight though, i think one of them drew blood. . . it kinda freaked me out cause my arm was in the middle and i thought i was gonna get it sliced up. oh well, it didnt, so all is well

my mom is having work problems. . . so i am supposed to help her. she just walked into my room this morning and got on my computer and started using it. what the fuck!? it may not seem like much to you, but they are supposed to at least knock. its my room, and the stuff in it is mine, and i put it all in here so they wouldnt touch it. they even know that, i told them. they are okay with it too!

but fore some reason. . . its my responsibility to help my mom with her work problems.

i dunno. . .

i dunno why. . .but i cant seem to visit any one elses pages once i log in. . . im sorry all.

this is really annoying, hopefully it will fix itself in time

man. . . thats fun stuff. . . we went off trail and ended up waist deep in freezing water for a while, went through tons and tons of plant life that ive never been around before. . . and the detour took up around 2/3 of our walking time. and it didnt take up much if any of our normal walking area. it went so far out though. . . it was great. we were so wet and tired. . .

gotta do that again!

oh yeah. . . and the salmon! we gave him a "proper" burial

i had a pretty good night, 3 1/2 hours with sami followed by a drunken party for about 2 hours. . .

i think '06 is gonna kick ass. . .

man. . . im kinda worried. . . i dont know why, but the overall feelling in my mind is that i should be worried. . .

any one have any insight?

for once, i am chosing not to sleep.

im gonna finish that damn essay, and im gonna pass langauge! i have put it off long enough, im gonna sit here until i finish!

i still cant help but remember the old days. . .

not the good old days, the old days.

back when all my friends fucked with me all day, when my dad was always yelling at me (we see how thats changed), my stuff was everyone elses even when it wasnt even in my hands for the first time, my social reputation was that of a garbage pail, i never ate lunch cause it was always stolen or thrown away when i looked away, when i hurt constantly cause they knew i wouldnt hit back, when my stuff was constantly stolen from me by "friends", when those "friends" would break into my house when i was/nt home and drink my drinks eat my food and trash the house, when no one would listen to me, when the people whom i hold dear to my hearts never entered my mind yet. back when love was thought of as only a dream, and a dream that would only end in a nightmare for me. when no matter what i did, i was unhappy. back when i was a good little boy, who never did anything to upset anyone. who never did anything. i would stay inside all day because of the fear i would be made fun of, hurt, or lose more of the only thing i had at the time. . .being video games. you could say video games were the only thing that kept me, id like to use the word sane, but i cant. i eventually started my pyro stage, it brought me happiness for the first time. it was the first time i had smiled without anyone elses help. with the pyro stage came the period of aloneness. never saw anyone, never talked to anyone. i avoided all human contact to a final degree. every day of my life before that was basically meaningless. everytime i felt it was a good day, something ruined it. no matter how hard i tried, no day ended right. i eventually turned into an asshole towards people cause thats the only thing i knew (hell, all my "friends" were, so why shouldnt i?). i then made fun of the people who i know call my closest friends. i did so many things towards the only people in my life that bring me true happiness. . . i can never be forgiven. i will apologize over and over again for the things ive said and done. . . but it doesnt matter. i ask for it, they give it, but i dont deserve it. i am a horrible person, and i would like to see someone try and argue that. no matter how much good i do, it all comes back to the fact that i was at one time an ass. and no matter how hard you try, you cant leave everything in your past behind you. i cannot be saved. its nights like these that make me feel like taking my life. not cause it would solve my problem, but everyone elses. if you know me you know i dont give a shit about what i have to deal with. its what your dealing with that means most to me, especially if your one of my friends.

i miss those periods of silence tho. when i could sit, and know that no one wanted to see me again. when i thought that i was meaningless to all other human beings. no one would have cared that i left, and now people do.

i wish i could just dissappear, i wanna leave it all in the dust of the wind. . . including everyones memories of me. my only regrets is i always get other people involved. . . as much as i love my friends. . .i dont like that they know me. they are the only things that makes me happy, but i dont make them happy. at least not happy enough to mean shit.

i always end up doing the one thing i hope never to do to someone. . . i am such a fucking asshole!

may i burn in hell for what i have done

so my therapist says that i have to get evaluated for meds soon. . . so we set up a meeting. its apparently at the end of the month. i like how that equals soon. . .morons. anyways, things have been going a hell of alot better for me in recent days. ive started to carry with me something that makes me remember what i need to remember. two things, actually. a piece of paper and a piece of cloth.

for those of you who dont know what those are, they are my most cherished possesions at this time. if i lost either of the two i can garuntee you i would need those meds (which might make me even more suicidal). but like i said, im doing much better. . . and i know why for a change. because there is someone out there right now thinking the same thing i am. i love that girl, and she loves me. and knowing that is one of the few reasons i am able to type this right now

"For What It's Worth"

I'm taking it in
I'm holding it back
I'm filling my lungs with the knife in my back
But you kept going on just to make me feel like this
Now that it's over
I won't feel the same
A broken frame with our picture is wasted
I've thrown it away
Losing sight
You were all I had (all I can take...)
I guess the jokes on me

We missed our chance
I won't forget
As time will only tell where to go
(Time will only tell where you go)
Though I wish that you weren't breathing
I still just can't believe
You're gone...

And I was looking for something
But I came up with nothing
Not a reason to leave or let this out
But you kept going on
Just to make me feel like this
Now that it's over
I won't feel the same
A broken friendship was worth it
I'll scrap any thoughts with your name
Still I long for you to stay
I take back anything

We missed our chance
I won't forget
As time will only tell where to go
(Time will only tell where you go)
Though I wish that you weren't breathing
I still just can't believe
You're gone...

We missed our chance
I won't forget
As time will only tell where to go
(Time will only tell where you go)
Though I wish that you weren't breathing
I still just can't believe
You're gone...

We missed our chance
I won't forget
As time will only tell where to go
(Time will only tell where you go)
Though I wish that you weren't breathing
I still just can't believe
You're gone...

my parents are finally letting me apply! i can finally apply for a job!

happiness! boo-freakin-yah bitches!

im gonna do a happy dance. . . while i rain one dollar bills over myself. . . because i can

when something good happens to me i can always tell it wont last. when does it ever?

no matter how good things seem to be getting, its always 1 step forward and 3 steps back.

i could tell from the moment i heard yes. . . how it was going to work out. i knew i was just getting my hopes hope, i knew it was too good to be true. i knew it couldnt be forever. . .or even just for now. the biggest hint was she deserved better. no one should be stuck with a suicidal boyfriend. . . or just a suicidal friend for that matter.

im guessing this friday the 13th is gonna be just like the rest of them.

i hung out with bryan to keep my mind off whats going on. . . and that only made things worse, cause then it just hit me like a raging torent.

why, why, why did i bother. . . why didnt i just leave things as they were? why did i have to do something that made me feel good, it was selfish and stupid. i am selfish and stupid.

im picking up really bad habits i wish i didnt have. but these habits are stopping me from killing myself. . . so is it okay?

is it?

tomorrow i get my medication evaluation. . . i really hope they put me on the stuff. i dont even know if im gonna sell it anymore, i might actually need to take it for my sanitys sake. . .

shits been going downhill again. very few things make me happy anymore, and those few things are always in such rarity it doesnt really matter. but im guessing happiness is a rarity that should be charished. just wish i could have it long enough to do so. but i am finding ways to relax, so i guess i am not yet a completely lost cause. i say completely cause people out there still think im worth believing in (i think they are wasting their energy to tell you the truth). but whatever, im done for now

dont you find it funny. . .

when the one you love, loves someone else who is with someone else. . . but now hates them. and you know you would do anything to be with that someone, to hold them in your arms. . . and yet you are nothing more than a friend to that person. this bites.

they ended up just puttin me on sleep crap for now.

oh wells, there is still the future, and in the future i may get better stuff

okay, finally i come to terms with me. . .

and i dont know what that meant in my head, or anywhere else. . . but i finally feel good.

and so many things in my life have just been solidified. . .

i had to think today. . .

about stuff id rather not think about. and as good as some parts were. . . too much bad stuff happened in my head. i just wanna crawl into a hole and dissappear right now.

i dont wanna get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow

i dont wanna do anything. i was looking forward to getting drunk this weekend. cancel that.

i was looking forward to getting high this weekend. had to cancel that too.

i had plans to hang out with my friends. nope, not anymore. screw this, im sick of it.

i wanna say im sorry to all the people out there ive made uncomfortable, sad, upset, or anything else along those lines

so i finally got to get my lobes pierced. . . happy darren :D

i got them at a 10, and my mom just LOVES IT. yes, i do like sarcasm. alot, but thats not the point.

its funny though, cuz the lady who pierced my ears ate with us afterwards.

and we didnt even know it for like, 19 minutes.

i know, 19 is a wierd number. but still.

im not gonna bother explaining myself anymore, im not gonna try and explain anything.

i cant take it, no one ever knows what im getting at. . . fuck it

screw this, i aint doing it anymore. i have said it once, and i am gonna reiterate my stupid ass self. i try and help, and i cant help if i dont know whats going on. and everything i said is coming true, and you know it.

stop, look around. its how i said it was going to be. you lied to me, even though i expected it. im worried, and i am gonna stay worried because there will be no way around this. you will never understand, its impossible for you. some are not meant to give up, while some have to lose everything before they can have something good.

so, to repeat myself AGAIN. . . fuck this shit, i dont care anymore

well i want you to notice
to notice when i'm not around
and i know that your eyes see straight through me
and speak to me without a sound

i want to hold you
protect you from all of the things I've already endured
I want to show you
Show you all the things that this life has in store for you
I'll always love you
the way that a father should love his daughter

when i walked out this morning
i cried as i walked to the door
i cried about how long i'd be away for
i cried about leaving you all alone

sweet zoe jane

so i wanted to say this
cuz i wouldn't know where to begin
to explain to you what i have been through
to explain where your daddy has been 


sweet zoe jane

its not that i hate, its more that i fear. . .

i fear that which i do not fully comprehend. and that is this.

there is a remedy, but i cant give it to myself. the only thing that will make things better is ^{this one thing}

what purpose does one have when there is nothing left to do?

(dont comment on this)

yay for really fun girls that make darren blush :)

i get to take this girl named allison out to a movie. . . she actually likes me, and we are gonna have a wonderful time together. cuz if i know her as well as i think i do. . . we may hit things off really well

im happy. . . an actual happy, no fakin it. . . no lyin, im just in a good time of my life right now

so, lots of things have happened since last we spoke. . .

i have to say, its been freakin sweet bein me lately

luv you guys :P